TIME

Time.
It's how we measure everything. "Waste of time", "time well spent", "have no time", "I don't have that kinda time". The funny thing about time is that it seems to change form depending on what your doing. "Times flying", "doing time", "time is standing still". But time never did a thing, it just kept on going along like it always does. Racking up it's seconds one after the other. Well all of this true except for the greatest time warp of all.
The microwave.
I contend that at the microwave time bends for no other reason but to screw with you. I have personally seen time go backwards while waiting for my food. I belive it once stopped while I was out of the room and picked up where it had left off when I got back. Whatever the case that molecule mixing box of hell has had it's last mockery of me. I now use the kettle for my hot water.
But now there is the whole question of watching water boil.

A Wandering Mind is a Terrible Thing to Watch

Last night I laid awake in bed until well into the wee hours of the night. Serenaded by the wheezing of my sound asleep wife. So I figured that I would no longer try and fight the wandering of my mind. Which by this point was meandering like butterfly flight. That got me thinking,
WHAT THE HELL AM I THINKING!
I mean I was everywhere I was 10 again, then I was skydiving, then I was thinking MUST SLEEP MUST SLEEP. Strait into 20 minutes about painting my landlords apartment. Which by the way I am not doing, but I spent a lot of time thinking about it. Then it happened.
I woke up this morning. I got dumped from the ride and didn't even know it.
My brain concerns itself.

The Slow Conquest

At what point did my body throw in the towel? At what point did my body think it was cool to stop working to restore the troops on my head and go for a sneak attack on my shoulders. Now I am not going to try and pretend that I have not been a hairy person up to this point, but there were rules, boundaries if you will. But whoever has been incharge since 96' is a total nutjob. He has no respect for what is my ass and what is my lower back. The other day I noticed that I had a lone hair on my ear and I almost wept, I mean that's it. I might as well get ready to start combing my eyebrows and pretending that I don't notice the carrot stock of hair growing strait out of my ears. But that's sissy talk. So I have decided to throw a party for hair on my neck and lure all those rouge bastards in. And once they are there I am going to have my sideburns kick their ass and force them into hard labor on the barren wasteland known as the top of my head.
If that doesn't work I am waxing my whole body, like the great flood, and starting over.

Tattoo You

What really is the point. I mean I have 2 and I am not really sure why. The best part is when someone makes fun of my tigger tattoo, as if to say there are better ones. Like things in hebrew or Chinese, because you know Chinese people think things in English are cool. I really think the whole idea behind it is hey I'm cool I was repeatedly stabbed and no one called the cops.
Is it style? Maybe it is a tattoo that accentuates your eyes I guess. Like when girls have elaborate "tribal" tattoos strew across the top of their butt. Now that's cool.
But I really think that the main draw for a tattoo is branding. I mean that's what they were started for. Hey I belong to so and so. Or he belongs to me. I really think most people are branding themselves to themselves. For self glamour. I belong to me.
Anyways I really want to get another one I have the drawings for it and everything. But I don't think my wife will let me. Now that's branding.

"A Rolling Stone Gathers No Moss".

That was the premise behind the creation of the Rock and Roll magazine to end all Rock magazines. The problem is that a rolling stone's always heading down hill. At least the magazine is. I have the hardest time even picking it up when I see it. They entice me with a rock legend of old, then force you to sift through the most one sided childish intellect in the world. Hey no one said that it was a news magazine, I mean they are entitled to their opinions and that's fine. The problem that I have is that the readers of this publication have no ability to discern that there is a severe bias in what they are reading. I can tell when some has a conservative bias and vise versa. But as I went back to college again recently I noticed that many kids don't have that ability. Homer once joked that "it's on TV it must be true" the sad thing is that a lot of people really believe that. I read in the RS that if Monica Lowinski had swallowed that we wouldn't have to take our shoes off at the airport. This statement and mind set are reeling with falseness and bias that cannot be measured. But you have to remember that "a rolling stone gather no moss" that makes less sense to me now.

My Personal Fight Club

Have you ever had an imaginary fight with someone in your head? Not like your sitting somewhere and someone says something and you think to yourself later I should have said this or that, but an actual imaginary fight with someone that perhaps you don't even know. This happens to me all the time and the funny part is I actually get pissed off like if I really see them I will be mad at them.
The whole reason I bring this up is because it happened to me last night with this old lady neighbor that lives next to the property we bought. That's right an old lady! No one is safe. Long story short by the end of the whole thing I had fed her cats antifreeze, but that's only after she tried to get my dog hit by a car. This in it's self is scary enough, then I thought. I wonder what will happen when we really meet.

That bitch better watch it.

Little Pleasures

a cool bed on a sunlit early morning
my dads hand on my shoulder
my grandfathers eyes
my boys lips on my cheek
a silent gaze from an understanding friend
my wifes hair on her pillow
a tire swing
driving in silence
drawing with the sound of a kettle in the other room
just enough toilet paper
the last coke
my ipod

My Friend Sam

Well today my friend Sam turns 26. Although he seems more like 15, but with hair in special places. I want to talk a little about the man the myth and the legend.
First the he is one of the funniest people that I have encountered in my whole life. As a matter of fact he once made me run out of the room for fear of vomiting. One of my favorite things about Sam is that he is a man of contradictions. You would think that would bother him, but NO! He embraces it. For instance he hates being called a liar but since he has the memory of a goldfish he can't really remember if he's telling the truth.
But for the most part he is just a cool guy who Jeremy obviously has a thing for. Well I say let them be and
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAM!!!!!!!!

Nothing Left To Say

When there is nothing left to say is usually when I say the most. I guess it's because I feel uncomfortable with the way the conversation ended. Or the look in the other persons eyes. I have been known to make a joke at the worst time possible, but really I just want to cry and walk away in silence. I wonder why I can't just shut-up and stand in silence. I guess I think I am always going to say something great that will change their mindset.
But alas I just look like a giant ass.
I'll shut-up.

If Sleeping was a sport.

If sleeping was a sport I would be a world champion. Honestly I think my body was designed for sleep. Carl Lewis was made to run like his ass was on fire and I was made to sleep like rip van winkle. Which by the way my favorite part about that story was the fact that nobody bothered the guy while he was sleeping. That's all I want...everyone to leave me alone long enough for me to sleep for 5 or 6 years. Is that to much to ask. I guess I wonder what the sleeping arena would look like, and there would have to be a uniform, so we don't get any nude sleepers. Well except for girls sleeping.

Reasons why I don't get it

Well here is my worst case scenario coming true right before my very eyes. Last night when I posted this blog of mine I thought "hey that's not bad", it could even possibly be seen as amusing.
But that's where everything took a terrible turn for the worse. It was pointed out that number
1, it is the 21st century and that
2, I didn't link the other blogs that I told you to read.
Now I knew that I didn't do that but the reason was because I could freakin figure out how to link them!!! So the reality is I actually am just coming into the 20th century.

Ok here are some absolutes about myself, I can't stand someone that won't listen to reason, I can't stop thinking that life is like a movie and that everything I do is being viewed by everyone around me like I'm TV. And I use numbers to break up my points.

I HAVE ENTERED THE 20TH CENTURY

I am only here out of total peer presure. All my friends are doing it so here I am trying to fit in. Except there are 2 glaring differences between me and them.
1. I can't write to save my life.
2. I have no ambitions to be bettter at it.
So we are all reading each others blogs to try and piss ourselves off and then set the world strait on our blog. So let me set the world strait. Your all too self-absorbed and narrow minded even in your open mindedness to make a difference. If you really want to change the world, as my friend Jeremy says (well him and God) "just love people more than yourself' thats it right there. For real if you put others before yourself, even people you hate. The world will be a better place. So shut up and read Sam and Jeremys blog.