Tuesday, November 22, 2005

The Boys

I have always been a pretty self-centered guy.
But there are two dudes that I don't mind waking me up at 5.
Don't mind them accidentally jumping on my balls.
Don't mind watching public TV with.
Don't mind washing their hair.
cleaning up their puke.
Don't mind after a long day, carrying them up 2 flights of stairs to bed.
Don't mind watching my mouth.
Don't mind not playing poker to play Hi-Ho-Cherrio.
Don't mind when they jump on my bed.
Don't mind buying a car I don't want.
Nope, those 2 dudes can have everything I've got.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Isn't That Precious!

Well something just dawned on me last night as I was walking into my sons Thanksgiving "performance".
Actually more than one thing, but this is where I will start.
I am destined due to having 2 spawn that I will be going to these shody half ass dog and pony shows for quite some time. I figure once they are older these will be better, just because that's all the hope I have right now.
Then I starting thinking. What the crap is all this. Last week at church the same thing. The little kids went upfront and did some sort of song and dance that made me want to smash my forehead with a hammer. I realized though that I might have been the only one. Because when the "show" was over people were clapping.
Now I understand that the kids need to be encouraged and all that, I mean I clap for speech's at weddings too, but I didn't listen to a word that guy said, I was more glad it was over.
So here is my firm belief. We just like seeing little kids do stuff. Simply because they are cute. There is definitely something about little cute things that allow us to over look the fact that we are only being entertained because we know one of the rug rats on stage.
Look at Webster the TV show, I mean come on. Or the munchkins in The Wizard of Oz. Or puppies for crying outloud. They can crap right ontop of your face and you would take a picture because it's cute. If that happened 6 months later you would be digging a shallow grave under the flower bed.
So thanks Mrs. First grade teacher for your riveting rendition of pop goes the weasel. I'm sure it was much more important than Math, and my Tuesday night.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Artsy Fartsy

Let me know what you think.
Good or Bad I don't care.
My mom did it so you will only be hurting her.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Take Back The Stall

I read my friend Sams blog today about his issues with pooping in public. I can identify with some of his problems, while some make me feel that counseling would be in order. The main fear that I have is that awkwardness of sitting feet from someone while you both are pumping grumpies. Well I have devised a plan, It basically is an offensive attack, pun intended.
When I was younger I worked for a fairly large church. There was another guy that I worked with who was quite possibly one of the funniest people on earth. He and I would go in the bathroom right before the second service would start and we would sit on both sides of the center stall. Leaving our victim's only one place to go. Then once the poor sucker was in place we would lay into labor pain sounds from the stalls on either side. Not at the same time, and we would ramp up the noise, starting with innocent enough grunts all the way up to foot stomping. We sent many a Sam's pre-maturely wiping and vowing never to duce in public.
I say this to say that a good offence is the best defense. When you are enjoying the bathroom and someone comes in, make like every man over the age of 70. Have no shame. Start making sounds that have nothing to do with pooping. Heck even hum or sing. I guarantee that you will be alone much sooner than you could wish.
So go forth and poo with confidence that 95% of the guys in there are just as scared of you. But if you should run across that other 5%. Pull your feet up and pray that the Lord would tarry no longer, because while that guy casts out a demon in the next stall. You my friend are front row, and by the way your pants are down.

Monday, November 07, 2005

All Will Grow Old

Ahhhhh stupid youth. I remember when I would run backwards to taunt the old guys trying to keep up with me on the basketball court. I think in my mind I really thought that I was just faster than them. I couldn't understand that their frustration was due to anything other than my obvious physical advantage over them. Like maybe the fact that they used to be fast.
OHHH how the mighty have fallen. Yesterday was the Old guys VS Young guys annual football game. At our church we have a lot of college kids, so the cutoff is 25 and up are on the old guys team. I know it not very old, but we, and by we I mean anyone over 26, can agree that there is a great difference between 20 and 26.
As I hobbled to my car after an hour and half long game ending in triple overtime. I saw all the arrogance that comes with youth, and thought to myself, between shooting knee pains.
"Those Bastards"! Then I smiled to myself and thought, someday they will be old and slower than before. And since you reap what you sew.
They too will have a pimply faced kid who couldn't touch them in their prime, run half speed backwards and still get away. Not that someone ran backwards on me, because the old know that even the young must rest. And revenge is a dish best served cold.
And if you are older and you don't think what I am saying is true, then you probably play softball, and love it.
Because that's where athletes go to die.